don’t think about it too much

I’m so exited for the future. All throughout high school, I would dream of traveling and writing and exploring (as you can see by my previous blog posts). But now it’s actually happening, and it’s better than I could’ve imagined.

Nothing played out how I thought it would, and I can honestly say I think that’s for the better. In high school, all these things felt like a fantasy. Traveling to places featured on calendars. Driving across the country in a van full of almost-strangers. Exploring remote islands. Hiking in wooded areas where the air was thick with flies. (Hiking definitely seemed like a fantasy). Exploring nearby cities I had only ever read about, not explored.

But with all of this excitement comes a lot of fear, too. Sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to just stay where I’m comfortable. Play it safe. Every summer I spent in my hometown, I thought of all the other places I could be. But now I’ll be far away, and I can’t help but think about how easy it would be to stay in my hometown or current town. Hanging out at local coffee shops. Spending time with old friends. Driving on country roads, listening to classic rock music. Grocery shopping at the same store I’ve been going to for many, many years.

But I’ve made up my mind already. I’m not taking the easy route. As someone who often makes things more complicated than they need to be, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, really. However, I’m a planner. I currently have no idea what I’m doing, which is a bit unsettling. Everyone tells me, “you’ll figure it out. This summer will make it clear to you what you really want.” Will it though? Or will it confuse me even more? Because the more places I go and the more people I meet and the more things I try, my heart becomes even more scattered, leaving me torn between small town life and big, bustling cities, hip-hop and rock n roll, hard news and creative writing, living in the moment and obsessing over the details. I don’t want to choose, and I want to believe I don’t have to.

It’s hard to be committed when you love everything (maybe this is why I don’t have serious romantic relationships haha). In all seriousness though, I want to believe people when they say I’ll figure it out. That exploring more will solidify my beliefs and goals and the world I want to see. But instead, I’ll be drifting back and forth, in a constant state of “I don’t know what’s best for me.”

For now, you’ll find me listening to “don’t think about it too much, too much, too much, too much” on repeat. That is, until I decide I’m more in the mood to listen to Catfish and the Bottlemen instead.

almost

Why is every relationship

I maybe, almost had

prefaced by “almost?”

Like remember that time

you almost admitted that

you liked me and I almost

did the same and we almost

could’ve been something

and it’s almost a shame

that you left and I moved on.

You almost complimented me

but thought, “hm, better not,

I’ll just insult her instead

and hope she knows that I like her.”

I’m almost not any better.

I almost asked you out

but played it off as a joke

like hahaha, you almost thought

I was serious?

 

And I almost texted you a month later

but saved it as a draft.

I almost sent it again

but moved it to the trash.

Maybe you almost called me

or maybe you didn’t.

I’m tired of guessing.

I almost want you to tell

me how you really feel

but maybe this is my fault

because I almost don’t

want to know.