I should be over it

I should be over it. Or, at least, that’s what the people around me seem to think.

But those people don’t understand how much my first semester college changed me. I used to keep my distance. I pushed people away. I didn’t open up.

In the fall, though, I opened myself up to an unlikely friend. I spoke so easily, so confidently. I felt as though I didn’t have to hide who I really was. I felt like I could be more honest than I had ever been.

I felt like I could trust someone, which is something I’ve struggled with in the past. Whenever I was feeling down, this person would cheer me up.

I know now that I should’ve never depended on one person so much, but granted, I didn’t have much of a choice. This was my first time in a new environment and a new town, and this was one of the first people I got to know.

So I let my guard down. And I was just myself: sassy, analytical, goofy, cynical-some kind of contradiction, I guess. I thought, this is great. I should do this more often. Be exactly who I am, and if someone isn’t okay with that, then move on. 

As it turns out, this person I befriended wasn’t actually okay with that. Come to find out, months later, this person actually had an issue with pretty much everything I did. And there were signs that he felt this way all along, but I ignored them. Whenever he got mad or annoyed or distant, I found ways to blame myself. I made excuses.

But really, there is no excuse. I am who I am, but when I talked to him, I had to spend so much of my time justifying that and I shouldn’t have to. It’s hard to convince yourself of that though. When you see someone a certain way at first, it’s hard to change your mind, even if it’s “obvious” to everyone else. After all of this, I became overly apologetic. And it sucks.

And I should be over it. Except this person is not the person I thought he was and it hurts. It makes me feel like so many things were a lie. It makes me feel stupid. It jumbles up my memories and makes me wonder what I interpreted correctly, or if I was wrong about everything.

Is this how the first year of college ends?

This week I found out that one of the most trustworthy friends I had made isn’t really trustworthy at all.

Is this how the first year of college ends?

This week I found out my best friend at college is transferring schools.

Is this how the first year of college ends?

I have no idea what I want to do for my career. I have no idea what I’m doing at all.

Is this how the first year of college ends?

For a brief moment, I thought my work was the only thing going well for me. Everything seemed so promising in that way. Then, this week, that all fell apart.

Is this how the first year of college ends?

It feels like the beginning all over again, just with new bruises, new questions, and faded answers.

I should be over it by now. But how can I “get over” an entire year just because it ends? Frankly, I have no idea where to begin.

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