I’m not often one to display my emotions in public. Because of this, I’ve gotten various comments such as “you don’t seem like the type of person who cries very often” or “you seem so sure of yourself.”
I have two main problems with these statements.
1) Just because I don’t often display my emotions doesn’t mean that I don’t have any.
2) Just because some people display their emotions doesn’t mean they’re weak.
Holding back what I feel sometimes in no way makes me strong. I think being in touch with your emotions and owning them is one of the most powerful traits you can possess. Because when we, as humans, hide our emotions, we’re hiding something important: the truth.
The truth is that we’re human and we feel things. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not something that makes us weak.
The truth is that I sometimes read through old messages. I let the words hit me, just wanting them to give me the butterflies they gave me before, but the words feel old and word out. Out of context. Like they belong to someone else. Like they were never really mine and I never really read them the right way. They lose their magic, just like that, and yet I continually let it happen.
I try to repeat the previous night, playing it out in my head and thinking about what could’ve happened differently, knowing that I can’t change a thing.
I hold on to so many things, just waiting for them to come back to life. Just letting the faded memories make me feel guilty somehow, like I should’ve held on longer. Like I should’ve somehow kept everything going all at once, even though I never possibly could.
I constantly try to recreate butterflies but it leaves me empty. We can’t create butterflies out of feelings and moments and people that have flown away from us. We have to get out there and let ourselves feel again.
That’s right-feel again. Because feeling isn’t stupid or worthless or “feminine” or pathetic. It’s human. Letting our feelings guide us and motivate us isn’t foolish. If we don’t chase after what we feel to be right, what we really believe in, what we love fully and imperfectly, we can’t expect to ever end up where we want to be. We can’t expect to be happy.
I’m trying to embrace my feelings. I’m trying to chase my dreams despite my rapid conflicting thoughts. I’m trying to chase after what I want without feeling ashamed of it.
Because we’ll never feel butterflies if we just keep watching them fly away.