“I want to know your plans, and how involved in them I am.” – Say Anything
Lately, I’ve been listening to “I Want to Know Your Plans” by Say Anything on repeat. That first line just really gets me. To me, it simply and sweetly expresses every big moment in our lives; every time that we explore something new, and move on from what we knew before. Every time we leave. Every time we both end and begin. It sounds like the grand finale; one big closing moment to wrap up all of the stories accumulated throughout the years.
And it brings me mixed feelings, because while I’ve been waiting to graduate for a long time, I also think about all of the people I’ve met. And how involved they are in my future.
Lately I’ve spent a lot of time in my community, and it reminds me of how many people I know and how they’ve impacted me. And then there are my best friends. We’re all going to completely different places. In fact, we almost couldn’t be going any further from each other when I really think about it. I imagine standing underneath the beaming sunlight, laughing with them as this song plays slowly and everything falls away from me yet into place at the same time.
I know that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. I know that what I have here doesn’t just go away. But the reality is that I’ll never be here in the same way that I was before, and though that’s something I’ve imagined for so long, I can’t truly comprehend it.
All of my memories are here. All of my friends were here. Everyone I know is here.
I’m off to accomplish my dreams and I’m excited and happy and completely in awe. I love my plans. I know what’s a part of them. But until now, I never really thought about who would be a part of them.
Throughout high school, my friends said things like “I hope we stay in touch.” They’d talk about the future and having get-togethers as adults and I thought they were crazy. I’m not always the most sentimental person I know. But now, as I think about my best friends and how abnormal yet incredible they are and how we’ve grown together and how we’ve been together throughout this crucial point in our lives, I realize that I’m not ready for this ending. I realize that I don’t want this ending to come along with my new beginning. I realize that though my plans are beautiful and exciting and amazing, they’re also not complete without the pieces of my past. The pieces that have made me who I am.
My friends are irreplacable.
And I realize that, deep down, though I’ve spent so much time struggling to admit it, “I want to know [their] plans, and how involved in them I am.”